"I'm never flying with Ryan Air, ever again. This time I’m serious!"

Is it bad luck to post a blog you wrote nearly two years ago, even if it’s still relevant? I might be starting a trend and attempting to finish a bunch of half written blogs to suffice as content for those lovely friends of mine who think they want to read about my non-sense (hyphen intended).

I can bring this one back into present day by saying I ACTUALLY did follow through with my title statement. Since August 2012, when the following was written (although never transitioned over to the world wide web, apart from one irate Twitter rant) I have only flown with RyanDoggshiteAir once. I can justify that by saying my friend booked the flight and gave them her money, not mine.

Let’s go back to August 2012 when I was fatter (remarkably some things have changed) and no less short tempered (annnnnd other things don’t) when I created the following set of rules for a bad start to any holiday.

A stressful start to your holiday is remarkably easy to achieve. To begin, book a 7.30am flight and ensure chosen airport is on the outskirts of town. Forget to bring online boarding pass and, most importantly, be flying with Ryan Air. For the deluxe version, wait in a queue with 20 other people all scrambling - in panic - for new boarding passes, or worst case, new tickets.

It’s highly likely the majority of this queue will argue with the stony faced woman at the desk. And they will do this for an unnecessary amount of time. In between checking your watch and tapping your foot with impatience, you'll also find yourself warding off the Pusher-Inners. They’re the ones with desperate stories falling on unforgiving faces. They should be dealt either a cold, hard stare or a nonchalant shrug "We're all in the same boat buddy!"

Then there's the delightful surprise of the cost, because you misheard £16 was actually £60! OUTRAGE! Just accept it for now and file it away in the "Twitter rage this later" box.

But wait, there's more. There is another queue to join now, (OF COURSE THERE IS) to get the printed version of the boarding pass. Excuse me…..what?! This was just the payment queue? Of course it was, how silly to expect the efficiency of the printer and cashier on the SAME DESK.

And maybe….just maybe….. you've reached your patience threshold so feel free to storm away from the desk, fuming in disgust, only to spin around and throw over your shoulder a "Ryan Air really are thieving bastards!". This will feel slightly satisfying but you will look like a crazy person, to the delight of everyone waiting in the queue (the first one).

Next there is security to conquer – in record time – to make the flight. Unnecessarily grouchy airport staff commanding; jacket off, boots off, jewellery off, belt off. Reassemble items and make a mad dash through airport, out to the gates on the edge of the runway. Join the longest queue in the world.

Ryan Air, just so we are clear…..I’m never flying with you again.